A brief synopsis of my past 12 months

So - the basic intro was the easy bit - it is just facts and doesn't take much thought.

A bit more about me perhaps?

Perhaps a rewind to about 12 months ago to give an idea of how things really have changed recently...

Just over 12 months ago I was working for a medium sized international accountancy firm. I had finally got my confidence back after being treated like a non-entity at one of the Big 4 (internal politics - say no more!), really enjoyed my job and was starting to feel ready for more of a challenge (promotion, more clients, technical exam - that kind of thing). Then, on 17 June I was checking my diary to set a meeting and noticed the marker for my last period seemed a long time ago. I counted the days and when I got to 47 realised the obvious - after about 9 months of not taking precautions I had fallen pregnant. 2 weeks after being at the docs for a referral as I had been lead to believe by previous medical advice that I would find it hard to conceive, let alone carry a child!

A lot of the people who are likely to follow this will remember how long the time from that realisation to getting the test result took - I had to make myself go and get changed and make a cuppa so I didn't stand staring at the little blue & white stick... Allan's face when he picked up the stick an endless half hour later was priceless (once he'd realised I hadn't given him a pen!) At that stage I was 6 weeks pregnant.

Fast forward to just before Xmas 2008. The pregnancy had progressed relatively smoothly and apart from a small bleed in the early stages no real issues but now I was in the third trimester and it was taking its toll. I got signed off work at in the middle of December, essentially extending my Xmas holiday by 2 weeks and boy did I need the rest!

Work by now was also less than tip top - we were about to lose one of my main clients and no work was coming in. I specialise in corporate tax and the credit crunch was biting on our office big time. I spent most of my working day doing busy work or surfing the net or chatting on a favourite forum. I started to think redundancy was a possibility and, given the lack of progression, have to admit I wasn't entirely sure it would be a bad thing...

In January my suspicions were confirmed. A meeting was called a week before I was due to start maternity leave to announce to those affected that 9 positions were being made redundant across the 2 offices in Scotland. My job grade was being cut from one position to two. It was clear from the offset that I would be the one to go - my client load had diminished dramatically and I was expensive. So on 31 January my redundancy was confirmed and I was let go with immediate effect. The silver lining - if I find a job to start when I would have been finishing maternity leave we will be quids in financially, a nice chunk in the bank to go towards the deposit on a wee house some time next year.

So, with work out of the way I could concentrate on the forthcoming arrival. 'Bean', as my baby was known, was due on 11 February and I was sure he would come early. How wrong can a person's instincts be! Nathan was delivered by Anderson forceps 16 days late after 3 days of being in hospital getting induced and about 10 hours in the delivery room! After a couple of days in hospital to establish breast feeding we came home and my life began to revolve around his sleeps and feeds. I won't lie - the first month was hellish - he had no routine, I didn't understand his cries and I felt drained but accepted I was on a steep learning curve.

Is it wrong to say that newborn babies are boring - yes they are endlessly cute and yes I would catch my breath or get a lump in my throat when I looked at him, but they don't DO anything other than eat, sleep, cry and fill nappies.

By week 8 I began to see a difference; nathan began noticing his surroundings more, he began reacting to songs being sung to him, he started burbling and he became a pleasure to be with rather than just a small dependent being. I feel terrible admitting that I needed more than to just be with my baby. It isn't that I didn't love him truly and deeply. There were days when I was content to hold him and do nothing more but largely I wanted to be doing my own things too. I haven't finished a book, completed a puzzle, made a card or done any of the things that made me who I am since he was born. I have only recently got back to running and the gym and feel much better for doing something that is only about me. Maybe I'm too selfish to be a good Mum?

3 weeks ago I broke down in the health visitor's room and, following a referral to a GP have been diagnosed with PND and subscribed anti depressants. I have also been referred to a support group which meets on a Tuesday morning. I feel more like my old self. Yesterday after group I realised I had a smile on my face as I walked down the street for no other reason than it was a lovely day and I felt good. The good feeling didn't last but that is perhaps a story for tomorrow

So here we are at 1 July 2009 - Nathan is now 4 months old and I have begun to really enjoy the time I spend with him. It helps that he has more of a routine now and naps at regular intervals so I know I'm likely to get some time to myself in the morning and the afternoon. We now also have a bedtime routine and its a rare evening that he hasn't gone to sleep by 7.30pm after a massage from me, a bath with his daddy, a feed from me and some quiet cuddles with either or both of us. As of last Friday he has started the weaning process and is already making good progress there.

The tablets must be working - I haven't had more than a couple of crashes in the last couple of weeks and I was crashing on a daily basis previously. Allan has commented that I am more like my old self. I feel myself that I am more able to smile, make a joke and fool around. 3 weeks ago nothing was funny.

Anyway. Enough ramblings. A quick summary of where we are at.

I have started smiling again.