Unfortunate coincidence...

So the last posting was a bit of a random rant but it helped. Allan read it and it opened a bit of a discussion and I feel much better now. Seems this blog thing might actually help!

Anyway, before that mini meltdown interrupted, I mentioned on 1 July that I had realised I was smiling for no good reason but that the 'up' feeling didn't last and promised I would explain why... So here's that explanation - a few days late but better late than never right?

I attend a PND support group on a Tuesday morning. While the Mums have a cuppa and chat through the week's happenings the babies are looked after in a creche so we get a bit of space too.

Last week was my second week and there was a face there I hadn't seen before because she had been on holiday the prior week. Anyway, the conversation moved around the circle and I spoke about Nathan weaning and how I'd had a fairly even week mood-wise and that I was enjoying running and being back in the gym. The chat eventually got round to this new face and she suddenly started crying. It transpired that she had a little boy called Nathan about 18 months ago but he died shortly after birth. It was the first time she'd heard someone else talk about their Nathan at it hit a nerve.

Anyways, after group I walked home feeling all happy and content and made a cuppa then my brain started working overtime. Her birth story was very similar to mine - 2 weeks late, induced, hormone drip, baby's heart beat dropping, forceps. At this stage my Nathan arrived but she went on to have an emergency c-section and her Nathan died from a bleed on the brain, possibly caused by the forceps. So I started thinking how similar our stories were and how we could have lost our Nathan and I ended up in floods of tears because I feel that I'm not making the most of my time with Nathan before going back to work and all the bad feelings resurfaced about being inadequate. So that was the end of my rare happy moment.

Of course I know I can't feel guilty for what happened to her. I have enough going on in my own head without accepting the burden of her tragedy too. It is, however, the first time I've had a real downer since starting on the tablets and I won't be able to talk about it at group because she will feel terrible - she already apologised a million times for crying and making me feel uncomfortable!

My mind has done this to me before. Iget into a kind of 'everything is too perfect something must go wrong' mode and suddenly I am convinced Allan is going to have a fatal car crash and that I will lose touch with everyone and become a loner. Logical it isn't but I can't seem to switch that voice off in my head when it starts. And because I know it doesn't make sense I've never told anyone about these irrational fears. I wonder if admitting to them will help them go away?

Hope this and the last post doesn't put folk off reading this! I think because I am at the start of this process I am vanquishing some demons. I will post about good things too - I have a lot of things to be vary happy about but I seem to have lost touch with my happy mode. Even when I know something is great it doesn't always touch me emotionally the way it would have done 9 months or so ago...

Well, my boy will be waking from his nap soon so I better go grab some lunch and a cuppa. Here's hoping I have a nice story for the next instalment!